It still feels new, my studio does. For three years I created the bulk of my art at home and now I am doing it within a completely different space which sometimes feels strange. I share the 2nd floor with 10 other artists and sometimes we are all there, sometimes just a few. While I absolutely love creating around other creative people, I find that as much as it is fulfilling my need for arts camaraderie, I sometimes feel like I am holding back from full expression in that space. Like I am playing it safe because to a certain degree, I feel like I am on display and mustn't screw up. And here I am - the woman who teaches others about feeling confident with their personal expressions. I teach them to resist the urge to judge yourself - to know that whatever you do is perfect for the sake of trying.
Hello, can I hear me?
I really do know all of these things, so I guess I'm still learning about myself and how to create in this different kind of space. I also keep forgetting that if I really wanted to, I could occasionally still make art at home. I've removed most all of my art supplies and such from the house so there would specifically be a separation of "work" and "home" spaces but.... I think my brain tries so very hard to sort, categorize and organize my existence - sometimes it's exhausting.
The piece above is a work in progress and is tentatively titled, "Pushing Out." It's a painting on top of another that didn't work out. I was trying to create something and my brush slipped and so I ran with it and tried to turn it into something else and it completely didn't work at all. I got emotional and cried. Sobbing quietly behind my closed door - wondering if this whole thing is a fluke - if I really belong to this community at all... I allowed myself to feel for a while - because it's good to feel, and then a week or two later I simply painted over it.
In many ways my new life feels like slipping into a long lost glove - that somewhere along the way I forgot how much I enjoyed creating art and it just got pushed behind all of the other things in my life. Now it's front and center and it feels amazing and challenging and frustrating and exhilarating.
I will continue to push outward from myself and grow even further...
I used to paint in my kitchen and when I was finished, I had to put everything away because there just wasn't any space to leave it out. If I wanted to, I can now leave all my paints and such wherever I want them because it's MY art space - though I find that at the end of the day I feel quite uncomfortable if I don't put things "away." I can't lock the door behind me if there isn't some kind of order - which is hysterical. I'm not a neat person. I'm quite messy. I now have a place where I can be as messy as I like yet I'm constantly putting everything in it's place. One of my new artist friends asked me, "Do you always work so neat?" and truthfully, no. I don't. So I don't know what that's all about, except maybe a fear of leaving myself vulnerable.
For the most part, the artists at the Banana Factory all work with our doors open so we can interact with anyone who visits and maybe I'm fearful of people seeing me make a mess. I'm guessing that this whole new world is simply showing me new parts of myself that I didn't know existed. Once I meet them, I can choose to keep them around, or let them go if they do not serve my highest good.
