We change, we grow- we are always a work in progress. What I think I know today, may very well be challenged tomorrow. A year and a half after emerging as an artist in the Lehigh Valley, I thought by now I would have a better idea of what I was doing and what I wanted to accomplish, but the truth is that I still don't really know.
So what do I know? What have I come to learn about myself? Here's a few things:
- It makes me feel really good to share my knowledge and experiences. Whatever I create, that's my legacy. If I offer you a new way of looking at things or help to guide you towards your own creativity- I feel successful in my "work".
- I enjoy writing and I enjoy making art. It feels good to make things.
- I am mind-numbingly self critical of all my actions. I must hear "You're too hard on yourself" at least once a week. My husband is a saint for living with someone (for 26 years!) with such ridiculously high standards.
- I recognize the courage required to be a sustainable/successful self-employed creative because there's no set path to follow. One must be opportunistic, resourceful, business-minded, self-motivated, forward thinking, able to communicate both written and verbally, AND have a marketable creative skill.
- My time management skills need improvement. I often feel like I have too many things going on at once and I don't think each "thing" gets the proper amount of attention. This also hinders my ability to fully develop new ideas.
- I learn and assimilate knowledge very quickly by observing the world round me.
- My mind is constantly "on" and as productive as that might seem, I often feel like I can never really relax and "let go".
- Per one of the freebie Meyer's-Brigg's tests online, I recently discovered that I am equally introverted and extroverted. (ENFP for those who want to know) I always thought I was more of an extrovert - especially having worked in retail, customer service, as a trainer, event organizer, workshop facilitator... Over the last few years, it seems as though my journey of personal growth and transformation has led me more in than out and these days, I often feel like my introverted tendencies are suffocating me.
- I'm not sure I know what "happy" is. I know what it is to be content, but joy and happiness seem fleeting.
- As empowered as I felt when I'd first started drumming, as an artist I often feel an awkwardness that I haven't experienced since childhood. Of not fitting in anywhere.
This was a piece as it was finished it in November of 2011.
And this is what it looks like now. As it was, it no longer seemed to fit the rest of my work, so I changed it. This leaves me to question the idea of "fitting in" and of judgment, but while I totally believe in creating for the sake of creating and creating without judgment and creating without regards to quality, there may be a time when it feels natural to improve upon what came before.
Now is that time.
This piece is on display in my studio (yet untitled) and is not yet available for purchase.