Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Embracing my Insecurities

Today's Revelation Mandala

I would often find myself saying something along the lines of, "I don't know what to do with this" when I would feel a certain way about something. I would go on and on and on in my head and to anyone who would listen seeking to rationalize with the way I felt or attempting to intellectualize the situation. I would walk around feeling as though I were wrapped up in a tangled ball that I might never break free from. This would cause great pain and much suffering.

What was happening to me?


Not resistance as in being afraid to move forward, but resistance as in not knowing or understanding how to deal with a particular feeling/emotion. (And also maybe being afraid to move forward.) 

Today, I was feeling the familiar ball starting to wrap around me as I was thinking about a particular situation I have confusion/mixed feelings about. I felt myself starting to fall back down the dark hole when a voice in my head clearly said, "Just be confused." Whoa, what? Right. I was resisting moving through the feeling of confusion by fighting with it - asking questions such as, "Why am I confused? "I don't like this thing, I don't understand how this situation should work"  - so okay, be there. Be in that. It's okay to not know. It was at that moment that I made the decision to embrace that feeling: "Confusion?  I love and honor you. Welcome."

I'm getting the sense that fighting one's feelings do not make them transform any faster. In fact, I'm guessing that it actually prolongs the experience because we waste energy by not simply accepting that it's okay to be where you are.

This revelation makes me wonder how in touch with my emotions/feelings I really am. Is it possible that I've been stuffing my emotions? Perhaps, but it seems as though I'm so emotional all the time! I cry easily, get angry and feel resentment and sometimes feel depressed. Sometimes I'm happy but it seems fleeting. I seem to feel more serious than anything. I express myself in a million creative ways and perhaps I think that's enough - that my writing and art allows me to move through how I feel- but if I never really acknowledge and accept where I am, it might not be enough.

Am I alone in this? Do you ever experience frustrations at not understanding your emotions/feelings?


Angie said...

I think it's wonderful that your thoughts told you to just let it be, as it is.

Many of us (sometimes myself, of course) need to find the answer, need to know. Sometimes when things don't go our preferred way, or a person does not react the way we want, we need to know WHY did they do that, or why did I not get what I wanted? WHY? And sometimes our reaction is, WHY do I even care? but I DO and it bothers me.

It is not pleasant to feel feelings and experiences we aren't familiar with! Maybe just letting the feeling simmer, and sitting with the uncomfortable feeling that is stirred up, is a good idea. The next time the feeling comes around, maybe it is more familiar and we are less uncomfortable with it as time goes on.

About being emotional: I am now in my early 40's and I never had the "cry at the drop of a hat" thing happening until the last couple of years. Not sure why that is different nowadays than it was in years past but yeah I do experience it also.

Julia Pankratova said...

Wonderful post.

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